Gaslighting is a type of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow doubt and confusion in the mind of their victim. Gaslighters typically seek power and control over the other person by distorting reality and forcing them to question their own judgement and intuition.

To put it succinctly:

Gaslighting is defined as “psychological manipulation of a person, usually over a long period of time, that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories, and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.”

Gaslighting is most common in romantic relationships, but it can also occur in controlling friendships or among family members. People who gaslight others may suffer from mental illnesses. They use emotional abuse to exert power over others in order to manipulate friends, family members, and even co-workers.

How Does Gaslighting Work?

Gaslighting is a deception technique that distorts a person’s perception of reality. When you are gaslighted, you may question yourself, your memories, recent events, and perceptions. After communicating with the person who is gaslighting you, you may feel dazed and wonder if something is wrong with you. You may be led to believe that you are to blame for something or that you are being overly sensitive.

Gaslighting can be perplexing, causing you to doubt your judgement, memory, self-worth, and overall mental health. It may be beneficial to learn more about the techniques that a person who is gaslighting you may employ.

They Lie.

Gaslighters are frequently habitual and pathological liars (the compulsive urge to lie about matters big and small, regardless of the situation.) and have narcissistic tendencies. It is common for them to openly lie and never back down or change their stories, even when you call them out or provide evidence of their deception. “You’re making things up,” “That never happened,” or “You’re crazy,” they may say.

The cornerstones of gaslighting behaviour are lying and distortion. They can be very convincing even when you know they are not telling the truth. Finally, you begin to second-guess yourself.

You are being discredited.

Gaslighters spread rumours and gossip about you to others. They may act concerned about you while subtly informing others that you appear emotionally unstable or “crazy.” Unfortunately, this tactic can be extremely effective, and many people side with the abuser or bully without fully understanding the situation.

Furthermore, someone who engages in gaslighting may deceive you by telling you that other people think the same thing about you. These people may never have said anything negative about you, but the person who is gaslighting you will make every effort to convince you that they have.

You’re being distracted.

When you ask a gaslighter a question or call them out on something they did or said, they may change the subject by asking a question rather than responding to the issue at hand. This not only throws you off track, but it also makes you question the need to press a matter when they don’t feel compelled to respond.

Reduce Your Thoughts and Feelings.

By downplaying your emotions, the person who is gaslighting you gains power over you. “Calm down,” “You’re overreacting,” or “Why are you so sensitive?” they might say. All of these statements minimise your feelings or thoughts and communicate that you are incorrect.

When you are dealing with someone who never acknowledges your thoughts, feelings, or beliefs, you may begin to doubt them. Furthermore, you might never feel validated or understood, which can be extremely isolating, humiliating, and difficult to deal with.

Shifting the blame.

Another common gaslighting tactic is blame-shifting. Every conversation you have is twisted in such a way that you are blamed for something that happened. Even if you try to talk about how the abuser’s behaviour makes you feel, they can twist the conversation so that you wonder if you are the cause of their bad behaviour. They may claim, for example, that if you behaved differently, they would not treat you the way they do.

Wrongdoing is being denied.

Bullying and emotional abusers are notorious for denying that they did anything wrong. They do this to avoid having to accept responsibility for their poor decisions. This denial can leave the victim of gaslighting feeling invisible, unheard, and as if the impact on them is insignificant. This tactic also makes it difficult for the victim to recover from the bullying or abuse.

Using compassionate language as a weapon.

When confronted or questioned, a gaslighter may use kind and loving words to try to diffuse the situation.

They might say something along the lines of, “You know how much I love you.” I would never intentionally harm you.”

These are the words you want to hear, but they are not genuine, especially if the same behaviour is repeated. However, they may be sufficient to persuade you to let them off the hook, allowing the person to avoid responsibility or consequences for their harmful behaviour.

History is being rewritten.

A person who gaslights retells stories in ways that benefit them. For example, if your partner shoved you against the wall and you later discuss it, they may twist the story and claim you stumbled and they tried to steady you, causing you to fall into the wall.

You may begin to doubt your recollection of what occurred. The goal is to cause you to be confused or second-guess yourself.

Quick summary.

Lying, distracting, minimising, denying, and blaming are all examples of gaslighting tactics. When dealing with someone who uses gaslighting to manipulate you, pay attention to what they do rather than the words they use.

What to Do If You Are Being Gaslighted.

There are some actions you can take to protect yourself if you are experiencing gaslighting in a relationship. You could do the following:

1. Take a step back: It can be beneficial to take a step back from the intense emotions that gaslighting can elicit. Physically leaving the situation can be beneficial, but you could also try relaxation techniques such as deep breathing or grounding exercises.
2. Save the evidence: Because gaslighting can cause you to doubt yourself, work on documenting your experiences. Keep a journal, save text messages, or save emails so you can look back on them later and remind yourself not to doubt or question yourself.
3. Establish boundaries: Boundaries inform others about what you are willing to accept in a relationship. Make it clear that you will not tolerate the other person trivialising or denying what you have to say.
4. Get an outside perspective: Discuss your situation with a friend or family member. Having another person’s perspective can help you understand the situation better.
5. End the relationship: While it can be difficult, breaking up with someone who repeatedly gaslights you are often the most effective way to put an end to the abuse. The first priority is to protect your family and loved ones. Otherwise, destruction is unavoidable.

If you suspect that you are being gaslighted, you should consult with a mental health professional. They can assist you in learning more about the situation, gaining perspective, and developing new coping strategies to deal with the behaviour.